Become the "Ultimate" Parent

Everyone can define a bad parent: short tempered, always criticizing, and more concerned with their affairs (in both senses of the word) than in those of their children. What makes a good parent though? How can you give your children the very best parts of yourself and help them create a good life?

John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects of parenting on children during the 1960's. Bowlby coined the term "good-enough parenting". His basic premise was that as long as you avoided the sins of "bad" parenting, you were doing okay, and your children would survive. So is that merely good enough? Or do you need to do more in efforts to be the best parent possible - do you need to strife to be a "super" parent or even an "ultimate" parent? Is there really an "ultimate" parent or is that a myth perpetuated by the feminist movement?

Well, let's get one thing straight once and for all: No one is perfect. Try as you might, you will never be a "perfect" parent. You will never get it right every moment of every day for every year of your children's growing lives. Nor do you need to. In that sense, Bowlby's concept of "good enough" is very true. You do not need to be perfect. Your kids WILL survive. "Good enough" is good enough

Most of you probably want more than just average for you kids. I feel certain that there are attitudes you can change that will allow you to give your children the very best of lives. You will benefit as well, since your life will be simpler, yet more fulfilling. Following is a list of things that will help you become the "ultimate" parent:

1) Remember that you are a fallible human being. You are not Superman or Wonder Woman, able to be all things to all people. Besides making mistakes along the way, you will have your own dysfunction from your past to deal with. It's attitude, not perfection that matters here.

So what does this attitude include? First be humble and know that you will always have something to learn. Be ready to have others teach you and be open to learning from the mistakes you make. You are grown up when you can look at your life and know the things you've learned about yourself as well as the things that you still need to change.

But there is a flip side to this. Constantly putting yourself down with an "I'm no good" attitude is just as bad as the "I have nothing to learn" attitude. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Celebrate your successes. Look back to the past only long enough to learn from it, then set your sights forward, and press on in the directions YOU want to go. If you have any serious issues from the past, be brave enough to seek help and get over them.

2) Be aware that you are playing a game with probabilities: Occasionally we hear stories about kids from abusive or deprived family situations who manage to become hugely successful. And on the flip side, we've heard of kids from great families with all the advantages that still have problems with drugs and crime.

Unfortunately, the truth is that parents are just one factor in a child's upbringing. Children are also under the influence of peers, other relatives, teachers, media figures, and anyone else they encounter on a daily basis, not to mention there own genetic predisposition. There's nothing you can do to control all of the influences. Even if you are the best, ultimate parent, you kids may still have problems. And you could be the worst parent and have the most successful children. Nothing in life is a sure thing.

So you play the probabilities. Of course you know that if your children are abused they are more than likely going to turn out bad. Clearly, being abusive to your children is a terrible idea. Using fair and consistent parenting and direction is far more likely to product good results.

By the way, successful parenting isn't determined by how excellent your children end up being. Success for you and them means that you did the very best that you could with what you knew at the time. Some of those decisions were probably wrong when you look back, but that happens. If you didn't try, and took the easy way every time without trying to determine how your decision would affect the children, then I do believe that you failed. That holds true even if your lazy decision ended up being right.

3) Be aware that there are other things in your life besides your children. It's easy nowadays to get so focused on our children that we put them before everything else. not the only things in your life.

For instance, some parents wouldn't consider accepting a new position in a different city if it meant uprooting their family - taking your children away from their school and their friends.

There has to be a balance in our children's lives. By putting them first exclusively you run the danger of teaching your children that their needs and interests matter above anyone else. You are creating a selfish "me first" child. Of course we should consider our families needs when making decisions, but ultimately you have to do what's in the best interest of the entire family.

4) Always think about the long term. Raising your children doesn't happen overnight, so keep your long-term aspirations in the forefront. What kind of adults to you want them to be, and what life skills will help them? What are the best experiences to help them develop strong characters and those skills?

Some times parents are faced with quick results or taking the longer, harder approach. Many times the longer approach, while more difficult short term, bears fruit in the long range. For instance, when kids are getting difficult or rowdy, it's easy to turn to the TV as an easy babysitter, but most often your child wants your attention, the chance to sit with you and work on a puzzle, read a book or build a model.

5) Look for the positives. Like you, your children will make mistakes. Forgive them. Correct them gently and move on. Always be looking for what they did right, not what they did wrong. Children crave their parents' attention. Pay attention to what they do wrong, and they will do more of it. Pay attention to what they do right, and they will be eager to please you more.

6) Stick to your guns. Believe in yourself. If you are doing all the above, then you are well on the right track. There will be times when you make decisions and you get challenged on them, either by your children, or by others (such as interfering relatives). Unless there genuinely are new facts that you weren't aware of before, don't be swayed. And don't be afraid to say no - to your children and your relatives - if that is the right thing to say.

Yes, you may turn out to be wrong. We know that can happen. It's so easy to look back and know what the right thing would have been. Better to stick to your guns than be like a flag waving in the wind. Your children watch what you do in both easy and difficult situations. Even if you make a mistake along the way, the fact that you believe in yourself and try your very best, you can't help but impress them with your good example.

Criminal Records | Criminal Record | Public Record Finder | People Search | Background Checks | Background Check Gateway | | Public Record | Lookup Anyone | People Lookup

Do your kids play you up? Then you should really take a look at Dr. Noel Swanson's free newsletter on children's behavior managementthat is packed with advice. More of his articles can be found here: free articles on parenting
Visit our parenting article directory for a completely unique version of this article.

5 out of 54 out of 53 out of 52 out of 51 out of 5  

Not yet Rated | Article Directory
Become the "Ultimate" Parent

Please Rate this Article